While often dismissed as a personal flaw or something to simply "get over," shame has a profound impact on our mental and emotional wellbeing. It can hold us captive in cycles of self-doubt, guilt, and isolation, leaving us reluctant to ask for help, even when we most need it. This internalized emotion often hinders our ability to grow as individuals and stunts our development as healthy, well-rounded human beings.

At its core, shame is a feeling of being fundamentally flawed or unworthy. Unlike guilt, which tends to focus on actions ("I did something bad"), shame is tied to our identity ("I am bad"). It is deeply rooted in our self-concept, making us feel as if we are not good enough or undeserving of love, success, or happiness. Shame is often linked to past experiences, cultural messages, or societal expectations that create a narrative in our minds that we are somehow less than others. 

This internal narrative of deficiency can cause shame to influence everything we do, from the way we interact with others to the way we take care of ourselves. When we believe we are not worthy, the natural response is to hide our weaknesses and struggles, often leading us to avoid reaching out for support when we need it most. 

One of the most insidious ways shame affects our lives is by creating barriers to asking for help. When we feel ashamed, we often view asking for support as a sign of weakness or incompetence. We may worry that others will see us as failures or judge us for our vulnerability. In extreme cases, shame can make us believe that seeking help is something we don't deserve, reinforcing our feelings of inadequacy. 

As a result, we bottle up our emotions, try to "tough it out" on our own, and push away the very thing that could help us heal: connection with others. This pattern is particularly harmful because it isolates us when we need support the most. The fear of judgment or rejection, fuelled by shame, can prevent us from reaching out, perpetuating a cycle of loneliness and struggle. 

Furthermore, when we don’t ask for help, we miss out on opportunities for growth. Our relationships with others are key to emotional development, and by hiding our difficulties, we forgo the chance to strengthen these bonds and develop greater emotional resilience. 

Human beings are inherently social creatures, and our emotional development depends heavily on our ability to engage with others. From childhood onward, we learn from those around us, and much of our growth occurs through interactions that involve both giving and receiving support. When shame dictates our actions, it impairs this natural process. 

For example, children who experience chronic shame may develop a fragile sense of self-worth, leading them to struggle with forming secure relationships in adulthood. They might have difficulty expressing their needs or vulnerability, fearing that doing so will expose their perceived inadequacies. In this way, shame can prevent individuals from developing the emotional tools necessary to thrive in healthy, supportive relationships. 

Adults, too, are not immune to the damaging effects of shame. Many carry unresolved shame from childhood into their adult lives, affecting their confidence, self-esteem, and willingness to ask for help. Instead of embracing growth and healing, they may suppress their emotions, relying on unhealthy coping mechanisms such as perfectionism or self-sabotage to maintain a sense of control. 

As adults, we play a critical role in shaping how children understand and navigate emotions like shame. If left unchecked, shame can become ingrained early on, potentially affecting a child's self-esteem and emotional development for years to come. However, by actively guiding children in recognizing and processing shame, we can help them develop healthier coping strategies and a more positive sense of self-worth. 

Shame often manifests differently in children than it does in adults. Young children may not have the vocabulary or emotional awareness to articulate that they feel "ashamed." Instead, they may display behaviours such as withdrawal, avoiding eye contact, hiding, or becoming overly self-critical. These signs can be subtle, but paying attention to a child’s nonverbal cues—such as body language and tone of voice—can help us identify when shame is taking hold. 

Shame can also be triggered by specific situations. For example, a child who is criticized in front of their peers may feel exposed or humiliated, leading them to withdraw or feel "less than." Similarly, if a child is constantly compared to others or punished for mistakes without guidance, they may internalize these experiences as evidence that they are unworthy. Over time, these negative experiences can reinforce feelings of shame, making it harder for them to ask for help or express vulnerability. 

The first step in helping children overcome shame is creating an environment that is emotionally safe and supportive. Here are a few strategies we can use to help children recognize and navigate shame in healthy ways: 

1. Normalize Emotions: 
   Help children understand that shame is a natural human emotion. When they do express it, acknowledge their feelings and normalize the experience. For example, saying, "It's okay to feel embarrassed sometimes. We all feel that way," can help children feel understood and less isolated in their emotions. 

2. Model Vulnerability: 
   Children learn by watching the adults around them. By showing them that we, too, have vulnerabilities and that asking for help is okay, we set a powerful example. Let them see us making mistakes and addressing them with grace, and demonstrate how we seek help or talk about our feelings when we’re struggling. 

3. Encourage Open Communication: 
   Create a space where your child feels comfortable talking about their emotions, including shame. Validate their feelings, and avoid judgment. Saying, "It sounds like you're feeling embarrassed about that," can help them recognize their emotions and feel more confident in sharing them. 

4. Teach Self-Compassion: 
   Help children understand that mistakes and imperfections are part of being human. Encourage them to practice self-compassion and speak kindly to themselves, especially in moments when they feel they’ve failed or made a mistake. 

5. Focus on Effort, Not Just Outcome: 
   Praise effort, growth, and the process rather than just achievements. Reinforcing that their value is not tied to perfection helps reduce shame and fosters a more resilient self-image. 

6. Encourage Connection and Support: 
   Teach your child that asking for help is a sign of strength. Encourage them to reach out to others for support when needed, and show them how to develop problem-solving skills while also leaning on their community for emotional support. 

7. Address Criticism Constructively: 
   When offering feedback, focus on actions and improvement rather than labelling the child. For example, instead of saying, "You’re lazy," say, "I noticed you didn’t finish your homework today. Let’s talk about how we can approach this differently next time." This reduces the internalization of negative labels and promotes growth. 

Overcoming the power of shame begins with changing the way we view vulnerability. Contrary to popular belief, vulnerability is not a weakness but a source of strength. It requires immense courage to acknowledge our struggles and ask for help, yet it is in these moments of openness that we experience some of our most profound growth. 

When we embrace vulnerability, we begin to see that asking for help is not a sign of weakness but a crucial step toward healing. It allows us to connect with others, gain new perspectives, and learn that we are not alone in our struggles. Whether through therapy, support groups, or simply reaching out to a trusted friend, asking for help is an essential part of developing emotional resilience. 

Additionally, we must reframe the way we view shame itself. Instead of seeing it as something to hide or suppress, we can start to recognize it as a normal human experience. Everyone has moments of doubt, insecurity, and fear. By accepting these feelings as part of our shared humanity, we can begin to let go of the narrative of shame and replace it with one of self-compassion and growth. 

Shame is a powerful emotion that can dictate how we interact with the world and prevent us from asking for help when we need it most. It fosters isolation, stunts emotional growth, and perpetuates feelings of inadequacy. However, by embracing vulnerability and learning to ask for help, we can begin to break free from the hold that shame has over our lives. 

In order to grow healthily as human beings, we must learn to view vulnerability not as a weakness, but as a strength—a powerful tool that allows us to heal, connect, and become the best versions of ourselves. By letting go of shame and seeking support, we open ourselves up to the possibility of deeper connection, emotional growth, and ultimately, a more fulfilling life. Furthermore, by teaching our children how to recognize and navigate shame, we help foster a future generation of individuals who can embrace their imperfections, ask for help when needed, and grow with resilience and compassion.

Craig Cuyler
Designated Safeguarding Lead/Director of Wellbeing/Head of PSHEe