It happened that Tuesday just passed was ‘International Men’s Day’. Both at a personal level, and as headmaster of an all-boys’ school, this is something I think is worth paying attention to and is an excellent prompt for reflection. What is it that our boys are growing up with in terms perceptions of Manhood and of masculinity? How do we work towards educating them to be ‘good men’ and what does that mean these days?

International Men’s Day itself, ‘celebrates worldwide the positive value men bring to the world, their families and communities. [It] highlights positive role models and raises awareness of men’s well-being.’ 

‘Great! This is really important, where do I sign up?’, I find myself thinking. Because there are at least two issues at hand here: firstly, that there are multiple factors these days that affect the ways in which ‘masculinity’ is seen and how positively, or not…; and secondly, that there is - at least in the public eye - a dearth of such positive male role models. When one looks at so much of what is going on in the world, from the world leaders whose decisions are profoundly impacting the world stage to those tropes and influencers that gain more and more following online, it can be hard to retain a sense of the difference ‘a good man’ can make: largely because, in the public eye, they can seem so hard to come by.

Just yesterday, Mrs Butcher and I were talking about the poem ‘If’, by Rudyard Kipling. Famously, it sets up a set of desirable characteristics and ends with the sentiment that ‘if’ these can be achieved:

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it, 
And - which is more - you’ll be a Man, my son!

Despite the poem’s age – and Kipling certainly being a product of his imperialist times – it’s remarkable how much of its advice stands true today. Not all, but the vast majority. (Do have a read via the link if you’re unfamiliar.) Avoid hating, even when hated; remain composed when others aren’t; ‘triumph’, ‘disaster’, both are perceptions so treat them the same… This is timelessly good guidance.

In the same vein, but more modernly, one might add that the importance of human, relational understanding is critical. In school, pastoral care, done well, equips the boys with greater self-awareness and, so, greater understanding of others. Like any journey, a school journey will have its ups and downs; children will test boundaries, including social boundaries – this is how they learn, afterall. Understanding and validating their own emotions (not necessarily their actions) will help them do likewise with others. I have mentioned before Barack Obama’s observation that all the problems that ended up on his desk in the Oval Office when he was POTUS were those that involved human emotion and complexity – all the ‘black and white’ problems had already been solved by others. This serves as a reminder that skills of discernment are crucial if we are to develop those equipped to lead at all levels in tomorrow’s world.

Mass instant communication, whether that be via social media or WhatsApp, has the potential to break down barriers, and build greater understanding, harmony and forward progress. Yet so often it has exactly the opposite effect, as people jump to their opinion platforms and others get on board for fear of being left behind or ostracised. The world this has created is one of polarities, as algorithms do their work. It risks a world of ‘black and white’ where speaking with unmitigated conviction seems to bring kudos. The danger of this effect is as true for perceptions of masculinity and ‘how a man should be’ as for anything else.

The idea of nurturing good character and a humble confidence in who you are and in your value is something we take seriously at Pilgrims’. The point here is not that all our boys will be displaying these qualities all the time, but that they are on their journey within a culture that supports them through the ups and downs towards this end. In terms of becoming ‘a good man’, with a strong integrity, a strong moral compass and compassion, what we need them to understand in part is that the world is not ‘black and white’, but rather a spectrum of shades of grey. (But not in that way.) When one can deal with shades of grey, one can hone core characteristics like the ability to confidently manage doubt, and to serve to lead. It’s in these seams that the mines of masculinity will turn out the most valuable gems.

Tim Butcher
Headmaster