We might call this ‘The Pursuit of Perfectitude’. Now, before any aspiring amateur lexicographers start biting their tongues too hard… full disclosure: ‘perfectitude’ is not a true dictionary word. In fact, disappointingly, its first widespread use (as far as I can discover) seems to have been in a 2009 advertising campaign. However, it suits my purpose well and I do so prefer it to ‘perfection’ in meaning ‘a state of perfectness’; it seems to have a degree more poetry to it. But do feel free to disagree.  

I digress… 

The Pursuit of Perfectitude – be it the flawless experience one might seek at a high-end luxury hotel, the immaculate performance one might expect at a West End show, or the stellar exam results one might aspire to their child achieving – does, of course, fly utterly in the face of what we all know the truth to be. And this is where I return to us being contrary creatures. However rarely we may vocalise it, we are all painfully aware of our own imperfection, or – sorry – imperfectitude. We know we are not perfect ourselves and that, in reality, it would be rather ridiculous to expect any situation that hinges on human variables to so be. We should tell ourselves this often and kindly.  

This week, our Year 8s have been navigating their way through their first exams of the year. And what a credit they have been to themselves. Last week’s newsletter piece had touches of the themes of experiencing failure and building resilience. We can’t appreciate and understand the value of these, yet show strong negative reactions when the perfect scenario does not play out in front of us, in whatever context. As a school, we unashamedly hold high expectations for our boys and know that, in order for them to achieve, they must experience a degree of pressure. But the messaging around this is crucial: all we can ever ask is that a boy does his best, and the crucial partner to this message is that the outcome can yet be influenced by any number of other factors, that perfectitude is a wrong ambition and that its pursuit is a dangerous field on which to play. 

Maintaining their mental wellbeing – reducing their stress and anxiety – during exam times is a critical skill for the boys to develop and an area around which the message has to be consistently strong from all those adults whose opinions they value… 

There is an author and speaker called Mo Gawdat, once Chief Business Officer of Google X, whose life was repurposed (as he might put it), by the unexpected passing of his 21-year-old son after a routine medical procedure. He has since sunk his time and considerable intellect into researching the state of happiness, among other things. Taking a leaf from the ancient Stoic school of philosophy, his position is as follows:  

Happiness is not brought about by an event or situation,  

but by how the event or situation matches your expectations of what life should be like.  

He follows on further with the line that, by design, nature and the world around us cannot be controlled. That’s not to say we should avoid controlling anything, but that we should accept that we have finite resources to enact control and can’t expect everything to be as we wish. And those resources we do have cannot function well under high stress and anxiety. So, as the adults whose opinions the boys (hopefully!) value, we staff and parents must repeatedly expose them to the message that they should aim to do their best, but that they must humbly accept that there are many factors they cannot control… such as the exam setter being in a treacherous mood when designing the questions, how well the other candidates fare, or developing a distracting tickly cough half-way through. They must be ‘ok’ with this and experience the degree of freedom which accepting this stark truth actually confers. 

I will finish with this. Edith Eger is a psychologist, author and Auschwitz survivor: ‘I’ve lived in Auschwitz, and let me tell you… the greatest prison we can ever live in is the prison we make for ourselves in our own minds.’ When it comes to children, we must remember that we are co-creators of their minds. We must not let that insidious Pursuit of Perfectitude mean we help to build a prison; let us instead promote their freedom. And exam season is a hugely important time during which to bear this in mind. 

Tim Butcher
Headmaster