Newsletters

I’m always heartened by the number of parents I fall into conversation with who make mention of discussing the focus of my newsletter piece over the meal table with their sons each week. Building some family dialogue around that which we have covered in assemblies is an excellent way for the boys to gradually grow a sense of their own opinion in the context of the values networks they are growing up in. However, this week’s focus (I fear) may not be without its controversy. This is perhaps surprising given that it was Love… 

The reason for this focus was two-fold: the approach of Valentine’s Day and because it is the penultimate ‘level’ of our human needs, as re-worked in the ‘sailboat of needs’ model which we have been regularly discussing. You will recall that the previous level – the base of the sail – was exploration. Now comes love, as the centre point of the sail.  

What I wanted to do was to promote some proper thinking about what love might mean within the context of personal growth and needs, and what it might mean within the context of a community like ours. My contention as expressed to the boys was as follows: the Romantic ideal of love, as most often represented in literature and film, does us all a grave disservice. Love is not a quick thing and it is not an at-first-sight thing, (that’s ‘attraction’), or even an at-first-conversation thing, (that’s ‘connection’); it’s not a result of some inexplicable magic; it’s not just an emotional thing, in the way that the ubiquitous imagery of the heart might suggest; and it’s clearly not a grab-a-card-and-box-of-chocs-at-the-last-minute thing, which the reductive nature of Valentine’s Day promotes. Love often involves deep emotion, but more widely it is a skill that can be practised and developed, often requiring conscious effort, engaging the mind to manage situations and understand emotions in a way that is not simply automatic. However, I joked with the boys, one can’t really imagine the brain taking off as the symbol of love, printed all over balloons and cards to let someone know they’re truly special to us… ‘Say it with a brain’! 

We noted that the need for love as part of our growth (the sail) is different from the need for connection as part of our security (the hull). At a higher level of love, we can love people – and show love to people – we don’t even feel a great connection to, and can show loving care for those we may have never even met. In this way, we encounter love in the guise it adopts as one of the golden threads running through the New Testament. Just look at all these aspects St Paul covers in his first letter to Corinthians…  

‘Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.’ 

How many of these come easily or automatically? Very few. They require frequent intervention and practice, often to mitigate what may otherwise be a base gut emotion. 

A really helpful indication of what love can require is given when Jesus talks of the most important commandment in Mark’s gospel:  

‘…you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ 

A clearer indication that love is not simple or easy or automatic, you could not get. Yes, your heart and soul connote the emotion, but to pull it off properly you’re really going to need your mind and your strength too. This is such an important insight for the boys to try and understand, for the mainstream media really do tend to promote something of a fantasy which is simply unhelpful. Inside community with others, our minds and our strength will be key to bringing love to bear. 

Tim Butcher
Headmaster